I THINK SO THEREFORE I AM. I THINK?
Most of the people in my age group are trying to figure out whether it’s the right time to travel or is it time to settle down. I, on the other hand, ask myself whether it’s the right time to decide my fate.
I studied Electronics Engineering. I’m a licensed Electronics Engineer but I work as a Software Engineer. The gap between studying/creating electronic circuits to creating software solutions for big institutions is great. It’s so great that I will have to admit it’s completely unrelated.
I’ve misaligned my education to my job. Although programming microcontrollers or electronics devices or programming in its general sense is an essential skill for an Electronics Engineer, creating business programs is a different thing.
My time in college was mostly spent trying to find what I really wanted to do when I head on to the ‘real world’. I wanted to be a college professor, a journalist, a photographer, a literati, even a TV personality though I’ve only dreamed about performing for live television and all of these together with my studies.
Throughout the course of my college life, I was trying to find what I wanted to be; what I wanted to do; what I’d do till I grow tired of living. In the end, I graduated and received my license partly because I wanted to grant my family’s expectations from me and partly because I didn’t know what I was doing.
Two years after I got my license, I still don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m trying to do with my life. I want to blog, I want to teach, I want to be something I made up: a professional nerd, I still dream of performing on stage. I am also serious about being a professional nerd – learning things from science, to religion, to culture, to leading a team, to whatever the world has to offer.
I make programs for digital solutions that our clients need. It’s a different song I’m singing than what I sung when I was still going through my low grades in college. Even though I’m over chasing grades, this stage I am on, I’m still figuring it out… still.
Confusing and nerve-wrecking. What if I figure it out but it’s already too late? What if I’m already on the right track but I just can’t see it because I’m young and naive? What if I don’t find it in the end?
There’s no way of telling either. The reason being I’m happy with what I have right now. My work is tiring but it’s fulfilling for the reason that I learn something new almost everyday but I am not sure whether it’s what I really want.
Is it out there trying to find its way to me? Am I heading towards it or am I making a wrong turn? Will it appear when I’ve already embraced my fate decided by society?
The possibilities are endless but that’s not comforting or decisive either way.
It might take a lifetime to figure it out but I will see it through.