A few weeks before the licensing exams for Electronics Engineering, I’ve been thinking about the life I was going to have when I finally get to call myself an engineer.
I imagined working on PCB designs where I carefully check the connections between nodes and terminals.
I imagined working for a large telecom company, fixing digital and analog devices inside the transmission control room.
I imagined being in a production line carefully examining newly created computing chips under some kind of microscope.
When I finally became an Electronics Engineer, I decided to work for the IT Industry.
Working for a giant IT company is indeed a grand experience. I’ve heard a lot about being in a corporate setup but I find that it’s rather sufficiently misjudged.
For a while, I enjoyed the new: new friends, new place, new experiences, and most importantly my new source of allowance.
It was a fantastic time to be alive and be independent.
Albeit my job being slightly misaligned with my recently obtained title, my work as an IT practitioner was absolutely enjoyable.
I stared intently and strongly at my computer screen as though it did something horrifying.
I’ve been working on a piece of code for hours on a program that I’ve been working for almost a month. I couldn’t figure it all out.
I was drained, irritated, annoyed, sleepy, unmotivated, and thinking about jumping off. No, not suicide. I mean jump off the company and find a new job somewhere else.
The days went by where I was feeling the same heartaches again and again. Soon enough I started a blame game:
I blamed my parents for making me study something I was never interested in like it was their intention to make me suffer when in fact it’s the complete opposite.
I blamed the boot-camp I first attended before working for teaching only the surface when all I ever did was copy my seatmate’s work and didn’t take the initiative to learn more about the whole thing on my own.
I blamed the clients for their seemingly impossible requirements when in fact I should be sincerely taking care of these because I have a job since they entrusted their business to us.
I blamed the project leads for their deadlines and management like I knew their struggles while trying to make sure everything is balanced and to make sure the project succeeds.
I even blamed the computer for making my life miserably slow like it ran slowly on purpose.
It was too much.
I was unfair to the people around me and I was breaking apart (to a point where I could’ve been diagnosed with Clinical Depression).
Until I heard a great news from one of my best friends. She said she’s finally got the kind of job she’s meant for.
She talked about her struggles before she got the prize; that she worked hard for it, took bold and decisive steps to make it happen; that it was all about being patient while proactively seeking.
I wasn’t surprised. She always has been so determined and strong. And if you’re thinking she paid me to say this, you’re entirely wrong. I really do think she’s great and an excellent specimen of the human species.
I was sincerely happy for her at the same time jealous (the good kind, or maybe it should be “inspired”, IDK).
For the next year, it was all about trying to figure out what I really wanted to do that would last my lifetime.
A lot of my friends told me I was good in graphic designing, some said I wrote good stories, while others were sure I should be a model. The last suggestion was from me being really good looking.
Joking aside, I considered a lot of these inputs and mashed it with my desires deep within my subconscious.
I remembered one friend who was also working as an IT practitioner and contacted him for advice.
It was during our meeting while talking about his job that I finally found it: the job that made me imagine the future again just like before the licensure exams.
For the first time in my existence, I was thinking.
The lesson here was simple: I was actively choosing but I was not actively thinking about the choices I’ve been deciding.
If I’ve been actively thinking about the choices I’ve been making, I would not have written this post. It was like not giving enough purpose for the years my family and I have spent energy to financially and emotionally.
But, aren’t you a nihilist? – Yes. I still think that everything in this planet is void of purpose or meaning but it doesn’t mean we can’t give purpose or meaning. I mean, we’ve already been doing it since like the beginning of time.
But back to the lesson: there will be a time where instead of actively choosing, we become mature enough to actively think about our choices. We are actively choosing whether we know it or not but we can actively think whether we are choosing the right thing or not.
To be fair, I haven’t been actively thinking about my choices long enough to confidently suggest what I’ve said, but I guess I can say it’s working for well enough for me not.
Note: I may be wrong in the future. Then again, what we think is correct today may not be that correct in the future. We all are learning.
Lastly, though all of what I’ve just said is simple to imagine being done. It’s harder to actually practice it in real life. But there’s no pressure here. I’m merely a late bloomer in all of this. 🙂